a private conversation

Have you ever had a conversation with God? I did and I remember it very well. The reason why I bring this up now is because I recently write my thoughts and feelings in my diary. I used to do it daily, I mean I had pretty much interesting life back in high school, lol. But now, I only write in my diary when I have a very personal thoughts, feelings that I know is indescribable, let alone being formed in any kind of sentences or piece. My diary now becomes a set of conversations I had with Allah.

After I wrote one, after like, I don't know, maybe few months since my last entry, I flipped thru the older pages. Sometimes I love to read them again. Reading back what I used to write makes me think about how much time had passed. Some of the writings also were a reminder for my future self for some reason. And so, as I was flipping the pages, one entry caught my eye.

An entry from 8th April 2023. It was a direct conversation I had with Allah. And I remember this moment very vividly. I was in my teIekung, on my prayer mat, holding my Quran. I just finished reading a surah but I forgot what was it. It was either Al-Mulk, Yassin or just my last recited page. As I closed my Quran, I broke down crying. Everything was heavy. There was a sudden wave of sadness and at that time I was desperately wanted Him to talk to me through His scripture. Before that, I know it is almost quite imposible to happen. I don't know why but for me it is impossible. The Quran that I held was almost 10 years old and not once I've been talking to Him through it. The signs usually was elsewhere, anywhere but this holy scripture.

Yet, that night, I was hopeless. I really wanted an answer. So, I cried to Him.

My first question was,

Ya Allah, what should I do?

I flipped my Quran. I wasn't expecting an answer. I mean I've been having this Quran for 10 years at least. Never in my 10 years I got the answer that I want. But then, one verse caught my eyes in instant:

وَإِن يَمۡسَسۡكَ ٱللَّهُ بِضُرࣲّ فَلَا كَاشِفَ لَهُۥٓ إِلَّا هُوَۖ وَإِن يُرِدۡكَ بِخَيۡرࣲ فَلَا رَآدَّ لِفَضۡلِهِۦۚ يُصِيبُ بِهِۦ مَن يَشَآءُ مِنۡ عِبَادِهِۦۚ وَهُوَ ٱلۡغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ 

And if Allāh should touch you with adversity, there is no remover of it except Him; and if He intends for you good, then there is no repeller of His bounty. He causes it to reach whom He wills of His servants. And He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.

[Yunus:107]

If you ask me honestly, I was in disbelieve that this particular verse comes up. The very first thing that came up. I still don't believe it. Maybe it is just a pure coincidence, I thought. But I still cried.

I asked Him again,

Ya Allah, why? Why would You want to give me this much hardship and pain?

I really don't know what to do.

I flipped again. Then, the most well known verse for its meaning came up:

لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَاۚ

Allāh does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.

[Al- Baqarah:286]

At this point, I knew He heard me. He always has been listening to my cries and prayers. He knows what is in my heart. He knows me better than I do. Even when it comes to my feelings. I cried harder. I asked Him again for the last time. 

I asked,

If You really wanted to put me through all these hardships and pain, can't You help me get through this? I am hopeless, helpless and lost.

In which He replied to me in one of His verse. The last flip of pages brings me to a verse that He knows I needed it the most.

وَلَا تَهِنُواْ وَلَا تَحۡزَنُواْ وَأَنتُمُ ٱلۡأَعۡلَوۡنَ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤۡمِنِينَ

So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.

[Ali Imran:139]

Looking back, from the first to the last verse I stumbled upon, I learned that, in every hardships you got in, just remember that Allah is the only who can lift those burden and all you have to do is keep your chin up & have faith in Him. Always. For He is the one who places a burden and lift it up from your shoulders, from your heart.

Anyone who reads this might say I am sembaaaang je. But at that time, that night, the 8th April 2023, the verses were the answer I needed. I remember picked up my pen and write it down immediately because to have this kind of sign is something for me to remind myself that He is with me. All I need to do is have faith and do what I can within my capacity. The consequences? If He wills, He eases it.

Speaking truthfully, I am the least pious person ever. I'm still a human being with countless of flaws and still working on herself. But most of the times, my soul craves and feels content whenever I talk about Him. Growing up, I was told to fear Him. His punishments were the ones that makes me so scared of Him that whenever I did anything that is against Islam, I feel the worst and told myself that Allah hates me. But as I grow up, went to Islamic boarding school, I read and learn that maybe I should start to focus on how loving He is towards His servants. How He is the Al-Ghaffar, the Ever Forgiving, Ar-Rahim, the Merciful & Al-Latif, the Most Gentle. 

Thus, I hope whoever comes by this Jendela feels content and change the way you see the world.

Love, Juita