familiarity kills

Familiarity is nice. It's easy, predictable and you'd know how to cater everything when it goes sideways. If anything, you're the guy who's known for being the pro one for knowing all about it. Yet, familiarity also kills. It doesn't kill you the way betrayal does. In which betrayal kills you with a quick stab and leaving the knife behind for you to deal with it. On the other hand, some familiarity kills you in a way you wouldn't even notice it. It wound you like paper cuts. One small cut, then come another, it hurts just 0.1% higher, so you just bear with it. Then a new one came, another 0.1% added, it hurts but your mind tells you, this is okay. There is nothing you should be worried of.

Over time, one cut leads to a thousand cuts. This time, it didn't heal as fast as it used to but it happened before the last time, and the one before it, and before that as well. You never know. The familiarity you crave kills you, slowly. You wanted to let it go, but when you see those cuts, you thought, "It was just a small cut, it'll heal." But, small cut hurts too.

I am in that situation currently and I'm trying, learning how not to treasure the unhealed, and untreated scars they've inflicted. My brain tells me, let go. And my heart says so too. My heart yearns to lose the rope she had been holding on for too long. But the past me, she told me not to. She told me, this is the same like before, they'll change if you just wait. And so now I'm in between. In between of my longing for familiarity and my desperation to live happily. Why can't I have it both?

Though with all of these thoughts. I know what's the right thing for me to do. Let go. Let them and let me. Just like my previous post. Maybe I just can't accept the fact that I am actually moved on. Their name, laughters, banters, and memories are no longer making my heart fluttered like how they used to. I have accepted that this is not for me. But the girl inside me, who loves them dearly still can't let the feelings go. She's too fond, too familiar with the feelings she had for them. And she didn't even noticed that it is killing her.

Juita.